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August 18th, 2016

  Today was an interesting day.  Taking Mama Bat to the doctors, we left the house in time for a 10:30am appointment with the bacteriologist, left there at 1:15pm....arrived in time for a 2pm appointment with the "pacemaker guy," left there at 4:55pm.  All I can say at the very least is that the PICC line is out and except for the pacemaker guy being upset that no one gave us an order to get her INR checked for taking her cumadin, she has been released from everything here in WVa.

On the flip side...it was an extremely trying day for both of us.  We'd had a terrible fight the day before, with threats on boths sides of me leaving or her staying behind, and lots of raised voices and muttered curses.  We finally came to an armistice so that we could get through the next few days.  I think the biggest problem for me today was her need to fill every waking moment with sound.  For an introvert such as myself, her constant nattering about nothing at all is so very wearing and draining of my energy. Then I get cranky and short-tempered because I just want a few minutes of peace and quiet.  She muttered under breath what an anti-social bitch I was and then continued to talk, telling me stories that she's told at least a KABILLION times before.  And the repetitive nature of the stories made the draining of my energies even more complete.  We're going back to my home tomorrow and I've already set out Saturday as a "Me Day" and I expect no interaction with anyone unless it's is initiated by me!!

Later on in the evening, when she could very easily have dressed for bed and spent time in a comfortable chair in her bedroom with her feet up and where she could fall asleep and not be disturbed...she insisted on coming out to the living room where I was working on an HTML project on the computer and she nattered on about MORE nothing and asked me questions about what was I doing, who was I "talking to," did any of my friends ask how she was doing...yes, everything comes back to whether or not anyone is interested in HER.

At one point she came to sit on a barstool that was set next to the table where I was working.  As it so happened, I was working on typing out THIS journal entry so I minimized the screen and started checking out other browser tabs I had open.  She asked what I was doing and I responded "just surfing the web, Mom".

She said, "No, what were you doing when I first sat down?" 

"I was blogging."

"What were you blogging about?"

"It's just my journal, my counselor recommended it."

"So what where you writing in your journal?"

"Mom, it's my diary, it's private."

"God, you can be such a bitch!"

And that my friends, is the story of my life these days.  We seem to constantly be at odds with each other and what's really scary is that I find myself acting and reacting exactly like her, more and more often.  What I don't know is if it's "learned behavior" having grown up with these behaviors coming from her all my life, and so I react to her behavior in a mirror-like fashion.  Or am I really a narcissist with a martyr complex and I'm just as bad as she is??  These are some of the things that I'm hoping a counselor or psychiatrist can help me get sorted out and then help me develop the tools to either modify my own behavior (if I truly am the source of the problem) or learn to cope with Mom's behavior since at this late stage of her life, it's very doubtful that she can change.

Wish me luck folks!!