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TW: Self Harm and Suicide

Greetings All!!

It’s been a long time since I’ve used this journal but I’m hoping that it could rescue me from what’s become an untenable situation.  This journal is about to take a dark turn.  I have recently become very depressed and have considered harming myself and even taking my own life.  It’s not easy to talk about this but I have to find an outlet where I can “scream into the void” without repercussion.  I will not be at all insulted if anyone decides to “unfriend/unfollow/etc” as I intend to be blunt and honest and "dump out" all the feels that make me not want to live anymore.  I know that it is difficult to remain friends with someone who evidently needs a lot of mental help!!  Yikes!!  If things go well, perhaps there will come a fading of the darkness and there might be light and air and a positive future at the end of the tunnel.  I thank you in advance if you stick around for the journey, but it ain’t going to be pretty.

Day 3 (Should have posted yesterday but home computer crashed/died/iz ded!!):

Yes, I skipped a few days because last Sunday (August 7, 2016) was really the day that was the turning point for me.  I was at such a low point that I actually took the kitchen knife upstairs with thoughts of harming myself.  I was sitting at my computer and scrolling through my Tumblr when it all came crashing down on me.  I had seen several posts from someone that seemed to be constantly begging for attention, about how they were ignored and nobody liked them.  But of course they got several posts supporting them and telling them that they were loved and wanted in the group.  I felt very jealous that I couldn’t seem to get this sort attention for myself, but then I realized that it was my own fault, because I’ve been keeping everything to myself, in the fear that if my friends knew what I was really going through, they’d run in the opposite direction.

I found my physical-self hating my “virtual-self,” the happy face I put on my dash in the form of drabbles and gifs and graphics.  So as I sat there contemplating the kitchen knife and the computer mouse, it really came down to harming myself or harming my virtual-self.  I chose to harm my virtual-self.  I deleted the two prime-tumblr accounts I had and I deleted everything I had at FFnet.  And it did hurt, I found myself alone and adrift without connections to anyone, even the people that have been supportive in my past because I had removed the blog/place that we most often chatted/communicated.

It was later that I realized that I’d also lost almost 5 years of my life.  5 years of creativity, angst, feelings, emotions, shared adventures….gone in an instant with a click of that mouse.  I sat and cried over it all for several hours.  But…

"I" was still there….I “am” still here.  I know, I know, slitting my wrists wasn’t really a very good choice.  I would likely have ended up like Thomas Barrow with someone finding me at the last minute and saving my life.  But it was the idea of doing harm to myself that was appealing, even if it was just to see what it felt like, to see if it was awful as it seemed or if there might be some sort of redemption in feeling physical pain instead of suffocating and drowning in the sea of emotional pain that has been my life lately.

I have survived 3 entire days, and hopefully I can survive another….one day at a time…


In an effort to kick off the 2012 Downton Abbey Mistletoe Challenge, I humbly submit this K+ holiday one-shot.  It is a sequel to "The Mistletoe Protocol" which was published as part of last year's challenge.

I'm looking forward to all of the creations that the very talented people here on Tumblr and over at FFnet and LJ might come up with.  Last year we had stories, fan-art and holiday icons created.  I'd love to see some fan-vids and gifs this year if anyone is looking for a challenge for themselves.  

I'd like to wish everyone a HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON...and now, on with to the story:

'The Mistletoe Protocol - 1920'

2012 Downton Abbey Mistletoe Challenge

I received many PMs and notes about whether or not there would be a 2012 Mistletoe Challenge and the answer to that is a resounding...YES!!  

Below are the criteria which can also be found on my FFnet profile and posted in my LJ Journal.  Many of the criteria are the same as last year, because they were so much fun, but you'll notice several new ones that are specific to Series 3.

This challenge can also be about fan-art, fan-vids, creating wallpaper, screencaps or gifs!!  Any creative endeavor is accepted and highly appreciated!!

I know that there are several other memes, Secret Santas and challenges going on so create, post and have lots of fun whether you participate in one or more of the holiday writing festivities!!!  

1)      Have fun - just to entertain ourselves waiting for the X-mas special

a.       Can write for 1, 2, or all 3 categories/ratings - K, T or M

b.      Challenge begins on December 1st and runs thru December 24th

c.       Stories can be posted on either FF or LJ or right here on Tumblr

d.      If you are on Tumblr, post a notice with links to your story – also, tag with ‘2012 DA Mistletoe Challenge’ and any/all characters used in the story

e.      May focus on any 'ship' you desire

f.        Include category/rating in summary

g.       Warn about containing Series 3 Spoilers in summary

2)      Each story must contain at least three of the following criteria:

a.       Kiss under the mistletoe with one half of your ship and another character

b.      A drunken Mrs. Patmore

c.       A sober Lady Violet drinking everyone else under the table

d.      Singing – drunken or sober

e.      Giving of a 'suggestive' gift

f.        Tartan underclothing

g.       Chocolate, Peppermint or any other edible item

h.      A telephone conversation – suggestive or other otherwise

i.         Buttons popping

j.        Shakespeare or Dickensian quotation

k.       A Christmas hickey

l.         New appliances – toaster, hoover, blender, etc…  :D

m.    Fire!! – or where there’s smoke, there’s fire

n.      Cricket whites

o.      Cricket bats

p.      Cricket, cricket, cricket!!

A/N: This is one of those stories where the characters and the storyline took on a life of their own and so this story has continued to grow…but alas, all good things must come to an end. Especially if I am to finish 'A Father's Heart' and write future Ringtones Adventures! So here we have well and truly arrived at the final chapter. I hope that it answers some of the questions or nagging issues that some of you had.

Disclaimer: They still belong to Mr. Fellowes and ITV, I've only just borrowed them to tell my St. Paddy's Day tale. No copyright infringement was intended and I make no monetary gain from finishing this story.



A/N: It seems like this story just doesn't want to end! I tried to tie it all up here in Chapter 9 but the characters just took it upon themselves to have a good time at my expense (of time trying to write something that made sense…LOL!) I hope you enjoy what's presented in this chapter and I promise Chapter 10 won't take nearly as long to reach the posting stage.

Disclaimer: They still don't belong to me and I still only write for my own creative bent and the pleasure of those who are willing to read. No copyright infringement intended.



A/N: Okay…the blackmail reviews for the last chapter were enough to convince me that ya'll REALLY wanted another chapter with some Chelsie Fluff in it…UNFORTUNATELY…I started with Chelsie Fluff…sailed right past Chelsie Lemonade…and ended up with plain old Chelsie smut! ;-) And because I was a bad Batwings with the smut, I promise you'll get a chapter nine to include Richard and Isobel, vintage dressup and antiquing!

Gotta' to give a shout out to my 'anonymouses'…Janey and Nomoretears for their reviews!

Disclaimer: Still not mine…still don't make no money…still don't intend to infringe on anyone's copyright, least of all that of Mr. Fellowes!



A/N: We finally talked Charles into taking Elsie up to the Lakes District…want to see what they've gotten up to so far? ;-)

Disclaimer: They still don't belong to me but I'm glad that Mr. Fellowes doesn't seem to mind very much that we borrow them as long as we aren't actually infringing on any copyrights or making any money off the deal!



A/N: I'm really glad that ya'll think that I was able to capture Lady Violet so completely. I did have fun writing that part of the story. Now you'll get to read the rest of the scene in the kitchen before moving on to the final piece of the epilogue.

Disclaimer: As usual…they still belong to Mr. Fellowes and I still have them out on loan for my story. No copyright infringement intended and I gain nothing but personal pleasure from writing my stories.



A/N: The beginning of this story seemed to write itself but the epilogue has been a tougher task to tackle. This chapter came in at almost 5000 words and so I have decided to break it into two and I hope you enjoy this first part…which includes the introduction of a newly activated Ringtones character.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Julian Fellowes and ITV, the plotline and character interactions are strictly mine, no copyright infringement intended! ;-)



A/N: I'm glad that I could redeem myself with Chapter Three – I was beginning to fear that a team of Ninja Chelsie Shippers was going to kidnap me in the middle of the night and force me to read non-fanfic for days on end as punishment! ;-)

I would also like to comment that I hope that I didn't offend anyone by moving too swiftly from assault to comfort in this story. It was not my intention to treat the subject of assault, abuse and rape lightly or as something that could be overcome quickly but I also did not want to have this become a completely dark fic. I will take my cues on re-writing any parts of the story from the review comments I receive…so please don't be afraid to leave me even an anonymous review if I have treated this too lightly.

Well…we got Charles and Elsie through that very stressful night but what about Richard and Isobel?

Disclaimer: They still belong to Fellowes and I'm still not making any money off these little rants of mine. And no copyright infringement is intended!